Going Down Again

For some of us, particularly females, the quest for a weight we deem acceptable is lifelong. My battles started in probably middle school, maybe before. I have been a diet soda addict as long as I can remember.

I have done every diet, gone to every gym, exercised excessively, put my self at risk with amphetamines, fasted. I have rarely liked my body and regularly hated myself.

For me, it was never so much the models and movie stars; it was the derision from my peers, both male and female. When a man I adored said he hated to take me out to restaurants with him because it was embarrassing to see me gorge myself, it nearly destroyed me.

Since 1997 I have been medicated continuously with drugs that cause weight gain and/or hinder weight loss. At worst, I was over 200 pounds.

I longed to take control, but nothing seemed doable. In December 2013, Samsung released the first version of its smartwatch, the Gear. I tend to be if I can, an early adopter. I had read the hype, and on the day the Gear hit the stores, I got one. It had a pedometer but worked from the wrist. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my S3 and paired with the Gear; I determined to change my life.

I did. At the end of 2014, I was 140 pounds and a slim size 6. At the lowest, I reached 135 pounds.

I did well until I had a devastating series of losses. By 2019, my weight was slipping up. I hated myself again. Depression, suicidal ideation, medication changes, and the fact that Under Armour bought MyFitnessPal and added pop-ups for which my reaction was to ditch the app, worked against me.

In 2020, with the pandemic, minimal contact with human beings beyond the screen, I reached 173 pounds. That was too much. So, I told someone I was bingeing, and the reply was, “That’s not you!” Somehow those three words gave me the impetus to grasp control and wrench myself back from the edge.

A few weeks have passed. I am down to 160 pounds. At this point – last time, I enlisted the help of Body Change coach John Cena. I have no such option now. So it is me against the urge to eat frequently.

I shall win. My appetite is always ravenous because of my prescriptions, but I have to do this, so there you are.

It is a miracle I am alive, and I believe that God shall not abandon me on this journey. I pray, and I do not bring home the things that I cannot resist.

If you think it is easy, don’t. It is not, and never has been.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Throughout

This hour will not last
The past hurtles forward to
Swallow all the light
Shining lovingly from eyes
Lately discovered, adored.
Still, the music thrills
Into nearly forgetting
These moments passing
Dreamily caressing  hope
Convinced time will always wait.
Patience – mythology –
Oblivion draws cuddling close –
Whispers into ears
Prepared to believe minute
Dishonesty if love paints
Itself in bright hues
Beguiling and beautiful
Enough to dispel
Doubt all wants are made to need
Flesh becomes a solution
For uncovered greed
Never expressed, politeness
All fall for such long
Beginnings, story inspired,
With no ending together.
Lives bound shiver, shine,
Entwined with bonds otherwise
Escaped to show one
Burning full ready alone
To search out a safe real home.
All hours hurry fast,
Love lasting, the only thing
Humans past, present,
Tomorrow, evermore woo,
Reality creates romance,
Forever and forever.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

This was typed in on the tablet as I sat in bed, so the spacing is off. The lines should not have space between them. I wrote it in my journal first, but it underwent significant revisions...

I may correct the spacing or no. When done with things, I usually let them stand. There is a strong temptation to do like Leonardo and never stop adding, subtracting until all remains incomplete. (I corrected the spacing)

Be You

The bravest of hearts
May lose its way along paths
Insecure, doubtful;
Love’s gifts may lift the troubled
High enough to trust, believe.

Live yourself each day,
If you somehow lost your way
During yesterday
Make today your tour de force,
Continue in taking charge.
Living this one life
Generously given you
To make an impact,
Explore your paths of purpose
Spread love, care, creatively.
Standing in limelight
May never become your fate,
But a difference can
Be made in many moments
Choosing kindness to spare, share.
You are a precious
Child of the Creator held
Eternally in blessing,
Never forget no matter
What occurs, you are valued.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Ingress

Music roars, lion,
Distant thunder over sand
Dreams still understand;
Giving hearts, delicate song,
Join in, raising forces long.
Love, a hypnotic
Drumline, spirits syncopate
Finding reason to
Raise green velvet curtains,
Welcoming one another.
Breath enough to be
In between the magic thrill
Never going still,
But a dangerous feeling
Mainlining each small glory.
Shaky dance steps learned,
Holding being, hands, hearts, souls,
Love wins, enfolds tight,
Brightens the mind, midnights, lights
Alleviates much grievous pain.
Music begins trust
Under loving circumstances,
Reaching out again.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Absolutely

The lights turned on bright
Hardly dispel the darkness,
The walls are not pale
But dark like Winter’s dusk
With shades, shadows, arriving.
Still, there are windows,
Onto the outside, shining,
With friendly glow, warmth,
But at times, this fails to rouse
Adequate joy to sustain.
Chosen to wander
Where needs must finally go
To arrange brief lives
With satisfaction enough –
Will exists to continue.
Every life matters –
Purpose burns absolutely,
Never giving in,
Coming fully alive, now,
Each life to liberate, save.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan