Insomnia

I do not know how others do it. Many just fall into this thing called sleep. For me, it is a challenge, a runaway I cannot catch. I want it, believe me, I dream of it, but it evades me.

I have Schizo-Affective disorder, which among other annoyances and gifts, means that losing sleep can catapult me into psychosis. Nowhere I want to travel because my symptoms are ever-present, but in psychosis, I entirely lose reality. I am compliant on medication, but for about two weeks, my brain will not turn off, and my pain recommends destruction.

Two to four hours of rest is insufficient. Insomnia is a unique brand of torture. In a pandemic, it is a thing of unusual cruelty.

Posting this may be too much information, but one day, perhaps someone will want to understand these struggles. I love having long days, but it is essential to plunge beneath the stream of Lethe for some hours.

I am uncertain what has caused this prolonged disturbance. Almost always, my meds send me into slumber, but not recently.

The battles with my hyperactive mind have increased. Not a problem yet, but let’s not ride the boat over the falls.

Anyway, that is my condition note. What quest are you all on?

As a prompt, think about something has become a sign of this pandemic in your life. Not only losing mobility in the world but an effect that you are experiencing personally. Create a work that gives this authenticity.

I will come about with a more typical post later.

When Dawn Falls Down

Au Revoir

You carried my heart
Within an inside pocket,
There it was kept warm
Protected by your sweet love;
I lived happiness, galore.
Loving made me bold
Set my inhibitions free,
The ruin of me;
I became wild as water
Life without you frightens me.
Lone, I continue
Love exists, enough to share,
But you are not here,
I walk a shadow of who
The woman was loving you.

*****

Who would have me write
If my vacancies were clear?
Inoculated
By the strains of illness, pain,
I cannot fully explain.

*****

Pain, with all within
We would wish it over, gone,
Still, pain defines time
Validates all life’s pleasure,
The dreams, hopes, love are enshrined.

*****

Thither

I would gladly choose
You who are a mystery
To help liberate
The bonds time forged over me,
Every expression of love
Hidden from my touch
Buried so my passions strong
Are never declared.

*****

The fear that haunts us
Wishes to wreck, destroy us,
But LOVE overcomes.

*****

Firelight and shadow
Are within us all contained
We choose our joy, pain.

These may seem a bit dark. Sometimes the shadow attempts to put me in a vault and shut me away with the bones. It does not recall that I used to visit those places pretending they were palaces. Long corridors and marbled floors, echoes of whispers, and oh the glories when I became brave enough to sing.

I never said I was normal. LOL!

I am reading The Two Towers. If you have never cracked those books, I highly recommend them, if only for the unparalleled joy of the language.

Ex-Pres-Sions

Words Are Dodgy

When the writing screams
You must be lying, joking,
To believe I will
Do your bidding, my ideas
Are none of your mind’s concern.
Then is the moment
To double the commitment,
Producing the work
While knowing no one can make
Every line sing perfectly.
Submit to the sound
Faraway, interpreted,
The fury hides, guides,
Melody binds harmony
Poetry awakes, licks air.
Taste sudden wonder
For magic comes, awakens,
Touches warming skin
Overrides every sorrow
Bursts open needed blessings.
“They are only words,”
Ah, so we could keep them all
Never speaking out,
Not carrying the pleasure,
But no, we must ever share.

*****

A dream though lofty
Stumbles toward the spotlight,
Proclaiming itself
Everything searched for before,
Nothing we can now ignore.

*****

Hungry for success
Many have tried to become
Someone they were not,
Finding themselves empty, tired,
Unhappy, returning bored.

I finally found a lighter mood. A conversation brought it from a distant place. To add emphasis, the music took over, so here we are. I hope all are well. This world has become a bit daunting, but we are still here, and the fight is not over. I appreciate your visit. I hope you will follow the site or often return.

I have decided to post this on two of my acres of cyberspace. My primary place to post is now Haphazard Creative, should you wish to explore my newer work, please follow me there.

Outside In

While sitting in bed
This view I often admire,
Even when rain falls
It brightens, deepens colors
Giving assurance of life.

There are days the power of living seems beyond our strength. Then we reach into our chests to massage our hearts and set lightning to our minds to galvanize our thoughts. Overcoming is then a mustering of the will, for we shall not surrender giving up the light. Love, we are crusaders for beating back the encroaching night.

Had we not witnessed others who kept up the fight, we might have fallen by the wayside. Many have created work amid the devastation of life’s catastrophes, and now we experience their harvest. It motivates us to succeed.

We are whoever
We can be in the moment
Not always by choice.

This moment thrusts us
Into what lies before us
Sometimes unprepared.

Happiness is huge
A state we negotiate
In our agile minds.

A note on the formatting: This post was done sitting in bed on my cell phone. If the spacing is distorted, that is the reason.

I hope each of you is well. If you wish, follow Haphazard Creative, if you rather, return as you can. Comments are always welcome. God bless you all.

It Ain’t Over

In December of 2013, I needed a watch. I had a Samsung Galaxy S3, but I have always needed time at hand because I do not do time. I ordered an Invicta from Amazon, and it was damaged when I got it. I saw something somewhere that the Samsung Gear would be released in December. It would have a pedometer.

At this point, I weighed in over 200 pounds. I found out the date of the Gear release knowing it would sync with the S3, and I went that day to Best Buy and got one. That changed my life.

I used the pedometer and an app called MyFitnessPal and journaled in a notebook each day. By the end of 2014, I lost over sixty pounds.

Losing my mother and my beloved Hope caused extreme stress and threatened all I had done. More recently, I have fallen back into my binging due mostly to depression and feeling less than worthy. I have gained some weight. Now when I need support most, MyFitnessPal has begun predatory pop-up ads. I will not deal with advertising. I took the app, after almost seven years, off my devices. I still walk, lots of days over 20,000 steps. The pain I experience makes this a trial.

Now, I am not counting calories for the first time in ages. I know what to do. I am trained. So, I am working this in a new way. If I can avoid the binging, I will lose back down, but I am a sweet nut. Nutella, Airheads, Peppermint Patties, Hershey’s Chocolate, we could go on, binging is hard to give up.

Understand, I have worked so many programs since I was a teen. I know nutrition, I know exercise. Most of us do, the thing is staying stabilized emotionally so we can work the loss. Eating is comfort, consumption is companionship, food is the reward. This is a battle for our lives. Make no mistake, fat cripples, and obesity kills.

Today, I wanted to drive to Douglasville, go to Dairy Queen, and have a Large M&M Blizzard. I had a headache because I was craving so hard. I took a nap. I later made a glass of Almond Milk with Pure Honey, mixed and mixed and mixed. I did not have that over 1000 calories of Blizzard today.

It is the small victories added up over time that win the war. I am going to take that frigging hill again. You can too. We should never die young.