No Rust Here

Our halos fell off
Many long years ago, or
Perhaps never once
Were ours, here to wear, joy share;
Life is bizarre now, never
The things one expects,
Disorganized, time of plague.
Disaster movies
Did not well prepare us all;
Constant stress, no withdrawal.
Government, all states
Of confusion, shattered gates,
Disillusion where
Clear-eyed justice is sorely
Needed in citizens’ control.
Pandemic, if we
Can believe it, some less so,
Numbers rising much
Higher, how can anyone
Deny contagion, people die.
If you love someone
Do not hesitate to tell
How much you love, care,
For as these days go onward
We can on little depend
Even less believe
In temporal existence;
We lack any guarantees.
Still, God sovereign reigns,
Even in this mess, we find rest,
When we share our love
With those who need to know all
Is not lost, for together
We will build futures,
Shoring up the brokenness
Living better than before.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Going Down Again

For some of us, particularly females, the quest for a weight we deem acceptable is lifelong. My battles started in probably middle school, maybe before. I have been a diet soda addict as long as I can remember.

I have done every diet, gone to every gym, exercised excessively, put my self at risk with amphetamines, fasted. I have rarely liked my body and regularly hated myself.

For me, it was never so much the models and movie stars; it was the derision from my peers, both male and female. When a man I adored said he hated to take me out to restaurants with him because it was embarrassing to see me gorge myself, it nearly destroyed me.

Since 1997 I have been medicated continuously with drugs that cause weight gain and/or hinder weight loss. At worst, I was over 200 pounds.

I longed to take control, but nothing seemed doable. In December 2013, Samsung released the first version of its smartwatch, the Gear. I tend to be if I can, an early adopter. I had read the hype, and on the day the Gear hit the stores, I got one. It had a pedometer but worked from the wrist. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my S3 and paired with the Gear; I determined to change my life.

I did. At the end of 2014, I was 140 pounds and a slim size 6. At the lowest, I reached 135 pounds.

I did well until I had a devastating series of losses. By 2019, my weight was slipping up. I hated myself again. Depression, suicidal ideation, medication changes, and the fact that Under Armour bought MyFitnessPal and added pop-ups for which my reaction was to ditch the app, worked against me.

In 2020, with the pandemic, minimal contact with human beings beyond the screen, I reached 173 pounds. That was too much. So, I told someone I was bingeing, and the reply was, “That’s not you!” Somehow those three words gave me the impetus to grasp control and wrench myself back from the edge.

A few weeks have passed. I am down to 160 pounds. At this point – last time, I enlisted the help of Body Change coach John Cena. I have no such option now. So it is me against the urge to eat frequently.

I shall win. My appetite is always ravenous because of my prescriptions, but I have to do this, so there you are.

It is a miracle I am alive, and I believe that God shall not abandon me on this journey. I pray, and I do not bring home the things that I cannot resist.

If you think it is easy, don’t. It is not, and never has been.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Currents

I remember a time when you could have a difference of opinion over most anything, but still remain friends. It seems our world has degenerated to the point that many people are in opposition to others always.

I thought what you did in the ballot box was between you, the machine, and your conscience. Your religious views were between you and God so long as you were respectful of others. Of course, there was an element of proselytizing, but it was not forced, faith was shared in a spirit of love. A sense of judging was ruled out by scripture. What you did in private, unless it negatively affected others, was your business.

I worry that the change I see is not for the better. If one believes in climate change and another does not, sometimes years of relationship is destroyed. There is a factor of humanity in us having differing abilities, opinions, and thoughts. I would hazard to say it is why we, as a species, have been successful and retained our superior position in the hierarchy of life.

I hope each of you will consider employing empathy in the coming days because even more divisive times may be in our futures. A thing I try to remember is, if I act or speak kindly, I am less likely to cause permanent damage to my relationship with another or even avoid causing harm to them in some way.

Living life as 2020 has shown us, does not always run according to plans, and disaster can bring out the beastly side of some. I shall continue to attempt to stand up for love and caring. I understand it is a struggle at times, but we are masters of ourselves. When we careen without control, we must rein in our distasteful temper.

Take care of yourself in this stressful season. You can better relate to others if you have adequate self-care. Find ways to relax and enjoy simple pleasures that appeal to you. Do not hesitate to talk to someone or seek professional help if negative feelings and depression are becoming overwhelming.

This year has served us challenging times, we should pull together to make sure we all make it through whatever lies ahead.

I hope you are well and finding some joy, however you choose. Love and prayers go out to you all.

Thank you for visiting Haphazard Creative, if you like, follow the site, or come back at your pleasure.

Everywhere we go
There are tales of fear and woe,
But love still, we show.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

It Might Be Okay

It might be okay to hurt this much if there were an acceptable reason for it, like getting run over by a Peterbilt. As far as I can discern, I have not tangled with a big rig. Given the way my consciousness is working, I suppose I may have missed an encounter, but due to COVID-19 isolation, I consider that dubious.

Speaking of isolation, I generally think of myself as an expert, but it has now reached the point my tolerance is fraying. I have spent a goodly share of hours trying to ameliorate my negative feelings. Music seems to be my best weapon since a 9 mm and firing range is not in my vicinity.

You probably have your own list, so, I will leave off illustrating mine.

Oh, I turned on the TV, once I figured out which remote worked it. The first thing to splash on screen was a commercial. Then there were more. Have I told you how much I hate commercials and ads? Yeah, I use VPNs, subscriptions, and avoidance to make those nuisances remain outside my life. My son does not have all the ad-blockers I do, and he is more geek than me. I ask questions of geeks is why I have armor. My aversion is such that I had not touched the TV remote since February. They believe me at AT&T because the DirecTv portion of my bill is less than $20. We will not talk about the outrageous other portions.

The problem with this level of pain is that it works like a predator, which diminishes the possibility of sleep to nil. Sorry.

If someone came to you and told you that you could not fail, what is that thing you would immediately begin doing? Are you already doing it? Preparing to begin? If not, please consider that the item you thought of is your purpose and probable area of giftedness. You should start chasing the making of this the goal of your life yesterday. My son, Alex, and I have an expression, Prime Before, yeah, there is a comic sketch, brilliant really, but he says that is us. I agree I want to have the thing at my fingertips before I know I need it. I believe this is the motive of some of my collective behavior.

I want to be a writer, which I am, and so I write every frigging day. Feel like it or not. Inspiration, or only about the dregs at the bottom of the empty well. I write.

I am not whining to be a nuisance. Were you in my place; you would get the pain. I am doing my best to put positivity to work. I must say when all of the crap built to the point, I just wanted to knock things over and spill everything on the floor, and I figuratively grabbed myself and called out for the only backup I have. I felt a sense of accomplishment. I told Alexa to play Gotta Get A Grip by Mick Jagger. Music has long been a panacea for me. I think music, reading, and writing, along with the grace and forbearance of God, and my dear mother, who is now gone, and the son who has been an overarching blessing, are the defining reasons I struggle to remain.

I am rambling a little; I keep hoping I will find peace enough to sleep. None of you may read this, I am on the edge of giving it up despite my vow. WordPress keeps spamming me about renewing my domain. Commercials, I did say they were abhorrent to me. Yeah, they’re coming into that annoyance level where I decide to the abyss with this. I will note it before I tell WordPress goodbye.

This is getting old, not sleeping.

Very well then, alright. God Bless You all, and many blessings sent your way.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan.