Each of these independently plays upon my sense of creativity—figments captive of imagination.
The color, roses Tinting eggshells of blue, sky; My feeling for you.
No one walks the sands, Without gathering some dust, Moments slide away.
Your face a window Open to the breeze, captures Your essential truth.
Wandering away From who we used to be is Our identity.
“Can I get you anything?” “No, no, not really!” All the while, I entertain The dream of you taking me – So I can give myself Away with no reservations.
Some races we cannot win Though we try and try again, But we may endeavor to make Of everything, a thing to take Away in beneficial learning Advancing as more discerning, Improving for the days coming. Suffering is extremely painful, But also, can be gainful, For if we overcome our problems And even should we not solve them, We are more resilient in the end, Than when we did, our trial begin. Much becomes of having it all, But along the way, we often fall. Our failures give us an appreciation For the moments of approbation We, in relation ourselves, better know And realize life is ours always to grow.
For some of us, particularly females, the quest for a weight we deem acceptable is lifelong. My battles started in probably middle school, maybe before. I have been a diet soda addict as long as I can remember.
I have done every diet, gone to every gym, exercised excessively, put my self at risk with amphetamines, fasted. I have rarely liked my body and regularly hated myself.
For me, it was never so much the models and movie stars; it was the derision from my peers, both male and female. When a man I adored said he hated to take me out to restaurants with him because it was embarrassing to see me gorge myself, it nearly destroyed me.
Since 1997 I have been medicated continuously with drugs that cause weight gain and/or hinder weight loss. At worst, I was over 200 pounds.
I longed to take control, but nothing seemed doable. In December 2013, Samsung released the first version of its smartwatch, the Gear. I tend to be if I can, an early adopter. I had read the hype, and on the day the Gear hit the stores, I got one. It had a pedometer but worked from the wrist. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my S3 and paired with the Gear; I determined to change my life.
I did. At the end of 2014, I was 140 pounds and a slim size 6. At the lowest, I reached 135 pounds.
I did well until I had a devastating series of losses. By 2019, my weight was slipping up. I hated myself again. Depression, suicidal ideation, medication changes, and the fact that Under Armour bought MyFitnessPal and added pop-ups for which my reaction was to ditch the app, worked against me.
In 2020, with the pandemic, minimal contact with human beings beyond the screen, I reached 173 pounds. That was too much. So, I told someone I was bingeing, and the reply was, “That’s not you!” Somehow those three words gave me the impetus to grasp control and wrench myself back from the edge.
A few weeks have passed. I am down to 160 pounds. At this point – last time, I enlisted the help of Body Change coach John Cena. I have no such option now. So it is me against the urge to eat frequently.
I shall win. My appetite is always ravenous because of my prescriptions, but I have to do this, so there you are.
It is a miracle I am alive, and I believe that God shall not abandon me on this journey. I pray, and I do not bring home the things that I cannot resist.
If you think it is easy, don’t. It is not, and never has been.
This hour will not last The past hurtles forward to Swallow all the light Shining lovingly from eyes Lately discovered, adored. Still, the music thrills Into nearly forgetting These moments passing Dreamily caressing hope Convinced time will always wait. Patience – mythology – Oblivion draws cuddling close – Whispers into ears Prepared to believe minute Dishonesty if love paints Itself in bright hues Beguiling and beautiful Enough to dispel Doubt all wants are made to need Flesh becomes a solution For uncovered greed Never expressed, politeness All fall for such long Beginnings, story inspired, With no ending together. Lives bound shiver, shine, Entwined with bonds otherwise Escaped to show one Burning full ready alone To search out a safe real home. All hours hurry fast, Love lasting, the only thing Humans past, present, Tomorrow, evermore woo, Reality creates romance, Forever and forever.
This was typed in on the tablet as I sat in bed, so the spacing is off. The lines should not have space between them. I wrote it in my journal first, but it underwent significant revisions...
I may correct the spacing or no. When done with things, I usually let themstand. There is a strong temptation to do like Leonardo and never stop adding, subtracting until all remains incomplete.(I corrected the spacing)
The bravest of hearts May lose its way along paths Insecure, doubtful; Love’s gifts may lift the troubled High enough to trust, believe.
Live yourself each day, If you somehow lost your way During yesterday Make today your tour de force, Continue in taking charge. Living this one life Generously given you To make an impact, Explore your paths of purpose Spread love, care, creatively. Standing in limelight May never become your fate, But a difference can Be made in many moments Choosing kindness to spare, share. You are a precious Child of the Creator held Eternally in blessing, Never forget no matter What occurs, you are valued.
Haphazard Creative 
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