The chasm between Depression and living Can be a world Where Every heartbeat Measures a step Forward or behind. There Is no catching up Only characters speaking Lines unrehearsed; Smiles Borrowed from clowns Who laugh upon call Of immense misfortune. Unseen The stars wield Bright, unfiltered light Yet denied sight, hope Sky Naked, lost, love departed, But reaching again Capturing through will Enough To rearrange depression Reclaim hope, dreams, Love, in particular, completion.
I do not like my attitude Because the more sheltered, Fragile, aloof, undone, I become, Shunning the very who “I am” without answers enough To continue discourse, going on. The blanks on the form, incomplete, My chapters – scattered pages, Ransacked by a masked bandit, Spouting platitudes, cruel absurdities, And a following merciless wind. I puzzle, is there reason to Gather the shattered parcels Beginning again, or static flowing, Starting over from wherever This desolate evocation may lead? Exhaustion holds, reigns, a tyrant, Denying will, energy to Accomplish anything more than Lying hidden under a patchwork Become the basis of my identity. No, no one wishes to know anything Less than living aglow with joy, Shiny, lately seemly, outfitted In the precious, finest, able To overcome, become a winner. No lodging for suffering through, Toiling to bail what has sunken, With trouble, misuse, neglect. Resurrections are only for long ages Gone, because no one knows how Love, the price for raising dead And dying can be suitably applied, The parts lost once meant To play victory, wandered far astray. Today fades within a moment Into the garlanded past, yesterday.
For some of us, particularly females, the quest for a weight we deem acceptable is lifelong. My battles started in probably middle school, maybe before. I have been a diet soda addict as long as I can remember.
I have done every diet, gone to every gym, exercised excessively, put my self at risk with amphetamines, fasted. I have rarely liked my body and regularly hated myself.
For me, it was never so much the models and movie stars; it was the derision from my peers, both male and female. When a man I adored said he hated to take me out to restaurants with him because it was embarrassing to see me gorge myself, it nearly destroyed me.
Since 1997 I have been medicated continuously with drugs that cause weight gain and/or hinder weight loss. At worst, I was over 200 pounds.
I longed to take control, but nothing seemed doable. In December 2013, Samsung released the first version of its smartwatch, the Gear. I tend to be if I can, an early adopter. I had read the hype, and on the day the Gear hit the stores, I got one. It had a pedometer but worked from the wrist. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my S3 and paired with the Gear; I determined to change my life.
I did. At the end of 2014, I was 140 pounds and a slim size 6. At the lowest, I reached 135 pounds.
I did well until I had a devastating series of losses. By 2019, my weight was slipping up. I hated myself again. Depression, suicidal ideation, medication changes, and the fact that Under Armour bought MyFitnessPal and added pop-ups for which my reaction was to ditch the app, worked against me.
In 2020, with the pandemic, minimal contact with human beings beyond the screen, I reached 173 pounds. That was too much. So, I told someone I was bingeing, and the reply was, “That’s not you!” Somehow those three words gave me the impetus to grasp control and wrench myself back from the edge.
A few weeks have passed. I am down to 160 pounds. At this point – last time, I enlisted the help of Body Change coach John Cena. I have no such option now. So it is me against the urge to eat frequently.
I shall win. My appetite is always ravenous because of my prescriptions, but I have to do this, so there you are.
It is a miracle I am alive, and I believe that God shall not abandon me on this journey. I pray, and I do not bring home the things that I cannot resist.
If you think it is easy, don’t. It is not, and never has been.
I remember a time when you could have a difference of opinion over most anything, but still remain friends. It seems our world has degenerated to the point that many people are in opposition to others always.
I thought what you did in the ballot box was between you, the machine, and your conscience. Your religious views were between you and God so long as you were respectful of others. Of course, there was an element of proselytizing, but it was not forced, faith was shared in a spirit of love. A sense of judging was ruled out by scripture. What you did in private, unless it negatively affected others, was your business.
I worry that the change I see is not for the better. If one believes in climate change and another does not, sometimes years of relationship is destroyed. There is a factor of humanity in us having differing abilities, opinions, and thoughts. I would hazard to say it is why we, as a species, have been successful and retained our superior position in the hierarchy of life.
I hope each of you will consider employing empathy in the coming days because even more divisive times may be in our futures. A thing I try to remember is, if I act or speak kindly, I am less likely to cause permanent damage to my relationship with another or even avoid causing harm to them in some way.
Living life as 2020 has shown us, does not always run according to plans, and disaster can bring out the beastly side of some. I shall continue to attempt to stand up for love and caring. I understand it is a struggle at times, but we are masters of ourselves. When we careen without control, we must rein in our distasteful temper.
Take care of yourself in this stressful season. You can better relate to others if you have adequate self-care. Find ways to relax and enjoy simple pleasures that appeal to you. Do not hesitate to talk to someone or seek professional help if negative feelings and depression are becoming overwhelming.
This year has served us challenging times, we should pull together to make sure we all make it through whatever lies ahead.
I hope you are well and finding some joy, however you choose. Love and prayers go out to you all.
Thank you for visiting Haphazard Creative, if you like, follow the site, or come back at your pleasure.
Everywhere we go
There are tales of fear and woe,
But love still, we show.
A child in womb, life,
The reason to stand and fight,
Of purpose, but will to bear,
A child brought hopeful through fear.
Despite trials, battles, high costs
Give and give again
Because love is, does, happens,
Believes, continues, best makes.
Some days years later
When despair encroaches, sears
Body, mind leaving,
The child reaches out, calls to
Account, encourages life.
What is forged together can
Abide all hardship
Be a saving grace, carry
Forth the ones who will remain.
No other heart touches
The willingness to survive
Like one brought to life,
And unbreakably bonded
With endless familial love.
As a prompt, create something that reflects the dynamic of a significant relationship.
I am struggling with myself over continuing this practice. It seems I have little influence or impact, and despite that usually being a millennial concern, it is mine too. I fail to know if I should keep putting in the effort. I am fighting my crisis mode of retracting from everything.
It has been good being here while it lasted. All the best to all of you. May God bless you with prosperity, good health, and your fondest desires.