Missing My Peace

Across the ocean between
I wonder
Do you wait, or do you go on;
Forgetting you were
The starch that stiffened my spine,
Enough
To stand when I only wanted
To run away and hide.
Now,
Without, I can hardly face
The rising of the sun,
All the troubles we worried,
Surely,
They have come, and without
You, I am drowning
No one to throw a raft.
Mama,
I am supposed to be grown,
But standing here alone,
This world seems less than ever,
My home.

Yet, I am thinking of how I wish
I could make you proud,
Show that what you taught,
I finally learned
Well enough that others could see
The magic you often said
Existed in me.
My courage seems settled –
With your ashes in that urn.
I wilt like a rose denied a drink,
But Mama,
Do you know? Do you know how
I miss you so? Sometimes, just
To hear you say I love you,
To have you give me a hug.
Ah, what comfort it would give.

I cry, and wonder why, because
I was
Taught to be reliable, to hide hurts.
Sometimes I do, but God knows,
I need you, and I can hardly get
A grip on why He took you.
Some have said I can stand
All I must do is work
A plan.
My plans keep washing away
In a deluge of troubles
No barrier erected by me
Can forestall.
I know, I know there is no call
To give up, but I have almost,
Then I remember how you said,
“Believe that you can,” and I try
Again.

I guess if I could reach
Across the divide
Seeing you,
You would remind me
To keep doing my best,
Never give up, study myself,
For the rigor of each test.
You would say, “My love is
With you no matter how far
Apart we seem. Trust in
Love
To feed your heart
And strengthen your mind.
Keep living, you are my dream.”
Okay,
Okay, even though it is harder –
Than, I imagined it could ever be,
I will live, for you gave life to me.

As a prompt, create something about a loss that has affected you deeply and changed your perception. It could be a person, pet, thing, or a time. You choose. You are endowed with creative power, use it.

I hope you will follow or return to Haphazard Creative. I am in the midst of a Creativity Project and would love your input and your continuing support.

Thank you for taking the time to visit. May God richly bless you and all you love.

Not An Average Fan

I have been crazy about music all my life. My “Bud,” big brother, James, used to play his sweet blue and white guitar, which may have been a Fender, and I danced on the bed. This as a toddler, and maybe a bit beyond.

I am sure the harmonica my other brother, Melv, gave me, was in use almost enough to drive my parents to send me off for adoption. They gave in to my constant pleas for guitar lessons, and I spent about three years at that.

School had singing, the church had singing in choir. Mom, Dad, and I did an impromptu concert of gospel music almost every night. Of course, I used it as a way to stay out of bed whenever I could. We could go a couple of hours when I was really good at thinking of obscure titles.

I had an impressive collection of Disney albums, the original scores to many movies. My Fair Lady and Tennesse Ernie Ford were also in my collection.

I guess it was about 1972 that they got me a Kimball Swinger Oprea edition organ because I had outgrown the simple plastic one. Again, they were kind to allow me to practice because I am a volume menace.

My brothers left their 45s when they moved out, and I was introduced to rock mostly on a red portable turntable first in the attic, then in my room.

There were Country Music Concerts in parking lots, concerts included with my Six Flags season pass, and later concerts in Atlanta.

Vinyl, eight-tracks, cassettes, CDs, and streaming, I kept music always, and because I hate commercials, I have often avoided radio.

My favorite band is The Rolling Stones. I think over the time since I found them in 1981, I have owned the majority of their work and much of Mick’s solo work.

My son says I am an extreme fan of The Rolling Stones, and I guess he is right. I took him to his first concert to see them. It is funny to me that he thinks me so far gone.

This did not come out how I planned, but honestly, almost nothing I do does.

As a prompt, what is your musical history? Create something about it.

I got some sleep that was deep enough to be restorative. I am ignoring the pain.

Who cares about pain?
We all have it, such a shame,
Try to stuff it, pain.

*****

Take today under
Advisement, be open, beware,
Do not stare too close
At the presentation, be edgewise,
Try to share the beauty on show,
Do not let your reservations
Impair your ability to enjoy,
But remember there are depths
Not visible on the surface,
And you are a multidimensional
Creature in the process of being.

*****

Thank you for your visit here. You may follow Haphazard Creative, or come back when you will.

Many blessings to all of you.

Watch out, Monday is on its way, speeding down a surface street riddled with potholes that may aggravate its temper. Good luck to all of us with that.

Becoming Through

Some scars are deeper
Than upon elbows, knees, shins;
Never closing, healing,
Perhaps scabbed over only
To burst back open again.
We all have one, two,
Some more, a whole multitude,
Kept silent, hidden,
Or just below the surface
Often screaming to be heard.
Our scars define us,
In ways, we never intend,
But we can break free;
Grow into deep dignity
Send pain finally to flee.

*****

The first two lines of this came to me lying in bed, where I hoped to rest, but mostly did not because I ache. Yes, that is not proper and all sunny, but I am fighting right now like crazy. Ah, and speaking of crazy, it is not just physical pain. It is okay, though, as long as there is pain, I am confident I am alive.

It is not often something demands to be written. This did. I hope you are having an extraordinarily good week. Please stay safe, and remember, no matter what is now, your life is precious and has purpose and meaning. Thank you for taking the time to read Haphazard Creative. You may follow the site or come back as you can if you like. If you have a comment to share, that would be super.

As a prompt, create work about something that tracks the edge of acceptability or slips on over the line.

They Did Not Get The Memo

One of the questions I had today at my appointment was about medications, especially ones that might be contributing to weight gain and uncontrollable appetite. All of them, it turns out, but they did not want to make changes.

They said I should exercise. I said I am already walking 20,000 or more steps on most days. The question then was, how do I do that? I said I read while walking, and I do it inside. They told me, no, no, that is no good you have to be outside. Maybe ride a bike, which I told them is bad on my knees. I have to have shots for my knees because of the pain.

Here is the real deal. I lost 65 pounds walking inside the house and kept it off for almost seven years. I cannot walk outside because I cannot breathe out there.

This evening, I revved it up a few notches by playing a selection of my favorite hits and letting myself go with the music. The real demon in this thing is hunger. The people who help me manage my mind cannot help with my weight, so I must make it happen again. I will, because I know I can.

If you have something hard you are facing, do not let anyone tell you that you must do it their way. If your way works for you, work it. You know yourself, your abilities, better than any expert who is on the outskirts of your life. I believe we are strong. I could explain, but all you need to know is that you are capable. There is nothing that can stand against you when you put your mind and heart into accomplishing something.

Rock on…

Oh, I moved the icons for the social media services off of the front home screen on my phone. I have not opened them on tabs in Chrome since I said I was leaving. Funny how I feel better, and how I seem to have more time. The experiment is going well.

Rare

Experience, its
Give and take, become and fade,
The notes in music –
Words often casually said,
Hearts pumping until life ends.
How babies are born –
An exquisite beginning,
Treasures put away
Living with honor, without,
Every gift a price to pay.
Doors flung open, slammed,
All the beauty on offer,
Rare, how will life grow?
Hidden prostrate in shadow,
Standing rooted in delight.
Feeling leads; disappoints,
But sometimes it wakens light,
Giving all, full force,
Not worrying over failure;
How can love but now prevail?
A certain property
Of will blazes into light
Carrying life on
Even when there is sorrow enough
To quench, LOVE stands upright.

This I have, so I am here again.