Missing My Peace

Across the ocean between
I wonder
Do you wait, or do you go on;
Forgetting you were
The starch that stiffened my spine,
Enough
To stand when I only wanted
To run away and hide.
Now,
Without, I can hardly face
The rising of the sun,
All the troubles we worried,
Surely,
They have come, and without
You, I am drowning
No one to throw a raft.
Mama,
I am supposed to be grown,
But standing here alone,
This world seems less than ever,
My home.

Yet, I am thinking of how I wish
I could make you proud,
Show that what you taught,
I finally learned
Well enough that others could see
The magic you often said
Existed in me.
My courage seems settled –
With your ashes in that urn.
I wilt like a rose denied a drink,
But Mama,
Do you know? Do you know how
I miss you so? Sometimes, just
To hear you say I love you,
To have you give me a hug.
Ah, what comfort it would give.

I cry, and wonder why, because
I was
Taught to be reliable, to hide hurts.
Sometimes I do, but God knows,
I need you, and I can hardly get
A grip on why He took you.
Some have said I can stand
All I must do is work
A plan.
My plans keep washing away
In a deluge of troubles
No barrier erected by me
Can forestall.
I know, I know there is no call
To give up, but I have almost,
Then I remember how you said,
“Believe that you can,” and I try
Again.

I guess if I could reach
Across the divide
Seeing you,
You would remind me
To keep doing my best,
Never give up, study myself,
For the rigor of each test.
You would say, “My love is
With you no matter how far
Apart we seem. Trust in
Love
To feed your heart
And strengthen your mind.
Keep living, you are my dream.”
Okay,
Okay, even though it is harder –
Than, I imagined it could ever be,
I will live, for you gave life to me.

As a prompt, create something about a loss that has affected you deeply and changed your perception. It could be a person, pet, thing, or a time. You choose. You are endowed with creative power, use it.

I hope you will follow or return to Haphazard Creative. I am in the midst of a Creativity Project and would love your input and your continuing support.

Thank you for taking the time to visit. May God richly bless you and all you love.

It Might Be Okay

It might be okay to hurt this much if there were an acceptable reason for it, like getting run over by a Peterbilt. As far as I can discern, I have not tangled with a big rig. Given the way my consciousness is working, I suppose I may have missed an encounter, but due to COVID-19 isolation, I consider that dubious.

Speaking of isolation, I generally think of myself as an expert, but it has now reached the point my tolerance is fraying. I have spent a goodly share of hours trying to ameliorate my negative feelings. Music seems to be my best weapon since a 9 mm and firing range is not in my vicinity.

You probably have your own list, so, I will leave off illustrating mine.

Oh, I turned on the TV, once I figured out which remote worked it. The first thing to splash on screen was a commercial. Then there were more. Have I told you how much I hate commercials and ads? Yeah, I use VPNs, subscriptions, and avoidance to make those nuisances remain outside my life. My son does not have all the ad-blockers I do, and he is more geek than me. I ask questions of geeks is why I have armor. My aversion is such that I had not touched the TV remote since February. They believe me at AT&T because the DirecTv portion of my bill is less than $20. We will not talk about the outrageous other portions.

The problem with this level of pain is that it works like a predator, which diminishes the possibility of sleep to nil. Sorry.

If someone came to you and told you that you could not fail, what is that thing you would immediately begin doing? Are you already doing it? Preparing to begin? If not, please consider that the item you thought of is your purpose and probable area of giftedness. You should start chasing the making of this the goal of your life yesterday. My son, Alex, and I have an expression, Prime Before, yeah, there is a comic sketch, brilliant really, but he says that is us. I agree I want to have the thing at my fingertips before I know I need it. I believe this is the motive of some of my collective behavior.

I want to be a writer, which I am, and so I write every frigging day. Feel like it or not. Inspiration, or only about the dregs at the bottom of the empty well. I write.

I am not whining to be a nuisance. Were you in my place; you would get the pain. I am doing my best to put positivity to work. I must say when all of the crap built to the point, I just wanted to knock things over and spill everything on the floor, and I figuratively grabbed myself and called out for the only backup I have. I felt a sense of accomplishment. I told Alexa to play Gotta Get A Grip by Mick Jagger. Music has long been a panacea for me. I think music, reading, and writing, along with the grace and forbearance of God, and my dear mother, who is now gone, and the son who has been an overarching blessing, are the defining reasons I struggle to remain.

I am rambling a little; I keep hoping I will find peace enough to sleep. None of you may read this, I am on the edge of giving it up despite my vow. WordPress keeps spamming me about renewing my domain. Commercials, I did say they were abhorrent to me. Yeah, they’re coming into that annoyance level where I decide to the abyss with this. I will note it before I tell WordPress goodbye.

This is getting old, not sleeping.

Very well then, alright. God Bless You all, and many blessings sent your way.

I Got Nothing, Not A Thing

This has been a stressful day dealing with my mind. I have no words to write of an inspiring or encouraging sort. If I had not vowed myself to make an entry here every day this year, I would get out of dodge.

As it is, I can give you a playlist I tried:

Radioactive by The Firm
Get Down, Make Love by Queen
Some Like It Hot by The Power Station
Closer by The Firm
You Got Me Rocking by The Rolling Stones
Gotta Get A Grip by Mick Jagger

From there, it kind of degenerated to all over the spectrum. I have a massive compendium of music in my head, though like lots of books I have read, it is hard to access any one particular thing without intense concentration. I seem to store album covers and book covers, but one of the traits of my mind is that I cannot visualize. Therefore, it is an, I know it when I see it sort of thing.

I paid the power bill, and the loan I wish was over. Significantly dented my bottom line.

I think part of my lost mood is that I am attempting to put a hiatus on my voracious appetite being satisfied. The meds I take, make me hungry all the time, and I am trying to get a hold on that. As Mick says, Gotta Get A Grip.

I hope this useless mood breaks soon. I am trying to get control.

Anyway, I have written.

I hope your weekend is going well. Thanks for reading if you did.

No Consolation

Anger

Is it this situation, out of hand,
Where the world is wrong making
Plenty of tension, anxiety, no escape?
Playing on emotions deeply
Currying favor with the violence
Held at bay, so forbidden, hidden.
An open hand when the instinct
Offers up a fist, a calm insistent,
Instead of a horrid scream, hiss.
What are these breaking sounds
Within the heart, the mind, what
Damage made while keeping kind.

Lay Lay By

The days trace themselves
Across the surface; straw, dirt,
Shelter, foliage, rock, hair, skin –
Leaving marks, weather, pass,
Time, months, past, again, ever,
Until the season goes, slippery,
No one knows if it will bring
Forth another day, hour, free –
Or if as the day goes by it may
Be the last lay by into eternity.

Sometimes looking into the sun becomes a bright too clear, and the shadows impinge on vision. There can be beauty in the shadows, as well. We would not know the blessing of comfort did we not experience pain.

Today has been reflective, with missing those gone. Also, grief for all we have lost in this time of isolation. I bid you hope that all is more pleasant for you.

Thank you for visiting Haphazard Creative. I hope you will follow the site if you are new here, or that you may find your way back again.

As a prompt, face your feelings, explore what is within you at present. Create something that encompasses your emotion.

Situations 1, 2, Something More

First, we shall begin with a story start. Sometimes I just noodle around with things and see where it takes me. I am a No Filter, No Boundaries sort of person when it comes to creativity.

*****

Morgan walked across the pavement cleanly edged with green, to what could be a gothic castle. Turrets, stained glass, rock walls, but closer, partial bars on the windows. No, it clearly was not a castle. In the near distance, the painstakingly manicured lawn was broken and dotted with marble monuments. The building was a handsomely disguised mausoleum, a repository of the dead.

She had roamed the halls where a voice could echo off marble timelessly, numerous times. Even a whisper could carry room to room.

She was allowed all over the vast building and knew the attic was a storage facility for emergency rations and necessities in case some disaster struck the metropolis.

Morgan hoped she was wrong, but she also knew a considerable waste disposal dump lay adjacent, just beyond the lawn of careful plots. She wondered when the dump reached capacity, would the graves seed it with resting bodies?

Those thoughts she pondered from time to time, but just now, she sought the coolness inside the imagined castle and shadows of comfort after the Summer heat had toasted her, and the bright white light almost made her blind.

As she opened the heavy door, the quiet took her by force. It nearly enveloped her in peace. Peace, however, was not hers to be had.

*****

This next is about today’s experience.

I avoid going out, but my stores of food, particularly dog food, were depleted. I ate lunch at Del Taco, I had lunch for $1.75. I had to correct the person at the drive-thru when I made my order. I think she thought I was upset, but it was not that, I just wanted it right and I have this voice thing. If I get in any way excited, I get louder. I hate it, but I have no way to control it. I promise I try, but… sometimes I really do not like how I am.

I went to Sam’s Club. All over the store, they have moved things around. Put that on top of my usual anxiety with being out in public, and I almost had a bad situation. I spent about three times the moments I would generally have in there today, and I never found some things I wanted, needed.

I came home and unloaded. The dogs would not eat, though they were excited about having food. I fed them by hand for a bit.

I have tried to relax, but this has not been a better day.

*****

The sunshine, the rain,
The grass, pines, dandelions,
Look, comfort abounds.

*****

Find me in the deep
Of thought where anxiety
Is no longer freed.

As a prompt, create something about situations you have faced recently or some you imagine.

I hope your day was pleasant, and you accomplished what you intended. If not, resolve to find better solutions on the morrow.

Thank you for visiting Haphazard Creative. I am so glad you took the time to see what is here. I hope you will follow the site or return as your leisure grants. Comments and suggestions are welcomed.

May God Bless and Keep You and Yours in all you do.