Going Down Again

For some of us, particularly females, the quest for a weight we deem acceptable is lifelong. My battles started in probably middle school, maybe before. I have been a diet soda addict as long as I can remember.

I have done every diet, gone to every gym, exercised excessively, put my self at risk with amphetamines, fasted. I have rarely liked my body and regularly hated myself.

For me, it was never so much the models and movie stars; it was the derision from my peers, both male and female. When a man I adored said he hated to take me out to restaurants with him because it was embarrassing to see me gorge myself, it nearly destroyed me.

Since 1997 I have been medicated continuously with drugs that cause weight gain and/or hinder weight loss. At worst, I was over 200 pounds.

I longed to take control, but nothing seemed doable. In December 2013, Samsung released the first version of its smartwatch, the Gear. I tend to be if I can, an early adopter. I had read the hype, and on the day the Gear hit the stores, I got one. It had a pedometer but worked from the wrist. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my S3 and paired with the Gear; I determined to change my life.

I did. At the end of 2014, I was 140 pounds and a slim size 6. At the lowest, I reached 135 pounds.

I did well until I had a devastating series of losses. By 2019, my weight was slipping up. I hated myself again. Depression, suicidal ideation, medication changes, and the fact that Under Armour bought MyFitnessPal and added pop-ups for which my reaction was to ditch the app, worked against me.

In 2020, with the pandemic, minimal contact with human beings beyond the screen, I reached 173 pounds. That was too much. So, I told someone I was bingeing, and the reply was, “That’s not you!” Somehow those three words gave me the impetus to grasp control and wrench myself back from the edge.

A few weeks have passed. I am down to 160 pounds. At this point – last time, I enlisted the help of Body Change coach John Cena. I have no such option now. So it is me against the urge to eat frequently.

I shall win. My appetite is always ravenous because of my prescriptions, but I have to do this, so there you are.

It is a miracle I am alive, and I believe that God shall not abandon me on this journey. I pray, and I do not bring home the things that I cannot resist.

If you think it is easy, don’t. It is not, and never has been.

That Will Do…

Ladies and gentlemen, this is notice. I cannot continue gaining the weight I already once lost. As someone told me when I said I was having problems bingeing, “That is not you.”

He is correct. I know how to do this, so I got my gear out, put on my tough suit, and started toward where I must be.

Working with weights on gives an extra special burn. Pain, yeah, going to rock it to the prize.

On antipsychotics and antidepressants, it is difficult to avoid weight gain. They are drugs that cause it. I have even lost a considerable amount in opposition to the prescriptions before. I have not gained back to where I was when my journey started in 2013, but if I do not take action, I will. My appetite never lets up, it hounds me 24/7/365, but I, I am stronger than my urges. I will succeed at this again.

I am a tremble with fear and hope, but is it not always like that when we run up against the impossible and choose to conquer it?

Currents

I remember a time when you could have a difference of opinion over most anything, but still remain friends. It seems our world has degenerated to the point that many people are in opposition to others always.

I thought what you did in the ballot box was between you, the machine, and your conscience. Your religious views were between you and God so long as you were respectful of others. Of course, there was an element of proselytizing, but it was not forced, faith was shared in a spirit of love. A sense of judging was ruled out by scripture. What you did in private, unless it negatively affected others, was your business.

I worry that the change I see is not for the better. If one believes in climate change and another does not, sometimes years of relationship is destroyed. There is a factor of humanity in us having differing abilities, opinions, and thoughts. I would hazard to say it is why we, as a species, have been successful and retained our superior position in the hierarchy of life.

I hope each of you will consider employing empathy in the coming days because even more divisive times may be in our futures. A thing I try to remember is, if I act or speak kindly, I am less likely to cause permanent damage to my relationship with another or even avoid causing harm to them in some way.

Living life as 2020 has shown us, does not always run according to plans, and disaster can bring out the beastly side of some. I shall continue to attempt to stand up for love and caring. I understand it is a struggle at times, but we are masters of ourselves. When we careen without control, we must rein in our distasteful temper.

Take care of yourself in this stressful season. You can better relate to others if you have adequate self-care. Find ways to relax and enjoy simple pleasures that appeal to you. Do not hesitate to talk to someone or seek professional help if negative feelings and depression are becoming overwhelming.

This year has served us challenging times, we should pull together to make sure we all make it through whatever lies ahead.

I hope you are well and finding some joy, however you choose. Love and prayers go out to you all.

Thank you for visiting Haphazard Creative, if you like, follow the site, or come back at your pleasure.

Everywhere we go
There are tales of fear and woe,
But love still, we show.

Broken

Wookie and I were playing. I threw her toy, and it hit the rice bowl I made in maybe kindergarten, maybe first or second grade. I knew it was terrible; then I heard the china hit the ceramic. The delicate china at that velocity under gravity’s influence stood no chance. It shattered, as you can see.

Sometimes we are like delicate china, safe enough until a tempest of trials and troubles hits us out of the blue. Maybe it is the winds of change in our finances or our health—the loss of something or someone we hold dear. We break, and we feel we are permanently damaged, but we are fortunately more resilient than china.

Somehow with God’s help and the passage of time, we recuperate and usually become more durable than before. We learn from the problems. We have so many reserves of strength and such power to overcome adversity.

I am not sure what to do with my broken keepsake, but God knows by sending us through the fire that he refines us and fuses our brokenness into greater faith and reliance on Him.

I did not have a post for tonight. I had been away from home today, spending time with one of my most favorite people—nothing like broken memories to set me straight.

Thank you for visiting Haphazard Creative, please follow the site or come back soon.

As a prompt, create something influenced by brokenness or healing. You may conduct your work in any media that suits you.

May Christ guard and keep you and yours now and always.

Becoming Through

Some scars are deeper
Than upon elbows, knees, shins;
Never closing, healing,
Perhaps scabbed over only
To burst back open again.
We all have one, two,
Some more, a whole multitude,
Kept silent, hidden,
Or just below the surface
Often screaming to be heard.
Our scars define us,
In ways, we never intend,
But we can break free;
Grow into deep dignity
Send pain finally to flee.

*****

The first two lines of this came to me lying in bed, where I hoped to rest, but mostly did not because I ache. Yes, that is not proper and all sunny, but I am fighting right now like crazy. Ah, and speaking of crazy, it is not just physical pain. It is okay, though, as long as there is pain, I am confident I am alive.

It is not often something demands to be written. This did. I hope you are having an extraordinarily good week. Please stay safe, and remember, no matter what is now, your life is precious and has purpose and meaning. Thank you for taking the time to read Haphazard Creative. You may follow the site or come back as you can if you like. If you have a comment to share, that would be super.

As a prompt, create work about something that tracks the edge of acceptability or slips on over the line.