Going Down Again

For some of us, particularly females, the quest for a weight we deem acceptable is lifelong. My battles started in probably middle school, maybe before. I have been a diet soda addict as long as I can remember.

I have done every diet, gone to every gym, exercised excessively, put my self at risk with amphetamines, fasted. I have rarely liked my body and regularly hated myself.

For me, it was never so much the models and movie stars; it was the derision from my peers, both male and female. When a man I adored said he hated to take me out to restaurants with him because it was embarrassing to see me gorge myself, it nearly destroyed me.

Since 1997 I have been medicated continuously with drugs that cause weight gain and/or hinder weight loss. At worst, I was over 200 pounds.

I longed to take control, but nothing seemed doable. In December 2013, Samsung released the first version of its smartwatch, the Gear. I tend to be if I can, an early adopter. I had read the hype, and on the day the Gear hit the stores, I got one. It had a pedometer but worked from the wrist. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my S3 and paired with the Gear; I determined to change my life.

I did. At the end of 2014, I was 140 pounds and a slim size 6. At the lowest, I reached 135 pounds.

I did well until I had a devastating series of losses. By 2019, my weight was slipping up. I hated myself again. Depression, suicidal ideation, medication changes, and the fact that Under Armour bought MyFitnessPal and added pop-ups for which my reaction was to ditch the app, worked against me.

In 2020, with the pandemic, minimal contact with human beings beyond the screen, I reached 173 pounds. That was too much. So, I told someone I was bingeing, and the reply was, “That’s not you!” Somehow those three words gave me the impetus to grasp control and wrench myself back from the edge.

A few weeks have passed. I am down to 160 pounds. At this point – last time, I enlisted the help of Body Change coach John Cena. I have no such option now. So it is me against the urge to eat frequently.

I shall win. My appetite is always ravenous because of my prescriptions, but I have to do this, so there you are.

It is a miracle I am alive, and I believe that God shall not abandon me on this journey. I pray, and I do not bring home the things that I cannot resist.

If you think it is easy, don’t. It is not, and never has been.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

They Did Not Get The Memo

One of the questions I had today at my appointment was about medications, especially ones that might be contributing to weight gain and uncontrollable appetite. All of them, it turns out, but they did not want to make changes.

They said I should exercise. I said I am already walking 20,000 or more steps on most days. The question then was, how do I do that? I said I read while walking, and I do it inside. They told me, no, no, that is no good you have to be outside. Maybe ride a bike, which I told them is bad on my knees. I have to have shots for my knees because of the pain.

Here is the real deal. I lost 65 pounds walking inside the house and kept it off for almost seven years. I cannot walk outside because I cannot breathe out there.

This evening, I revved it up a few notches by playing a selection of my favorite hits and letting myself go with the music. The real demon in this thing is hunger. The people who help me manage my mind cannot help with my weight, so I must make it happen again. I will, because I know I can.

If you have something hard you are facing, do not let anyone tell you that you must do it their way. If your way works for you, work it. You know yourself, your abilities, better than any expert who is on the outskirts of your life. I believe we are strong. I could explain, but all you need to know is that you are capable. There is nothing that can stand against you when you put your mind and heart into accomplishing something.

Rock on…

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Oh, I moved the icons for the social media services off of the front home screen on my phone. I have not opened them on tabs in Chrome since I said I was leaving. Funny how I feel better, and how I seem to have more time. The experiment is going well.

Beginning an Experiment

The environment on social media has become increasingly toxic, and as the election nears, I expect that trend to escalate. I am taking some time off, or at least decreasing my time investment, on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

I waste a lot of time on those generally. You may, too. I have some goals that will involve time expended, so I hope to recover a few hours here and there.

This does not preclude future engagement, it is just a sabbatical. I need to know if those influences are harming my attitude and reinforcing negative habits. I have reason to believe that time on social media is not a positive contribution to life.

I will be here because this is my forum. Hopefully, the readership will increase, but my commitment to posting daily will not abate. It is a vow I made to myself, contingent on none other. I wanted to work again like I did in the past, so far, I have exceeded my expectations. I believe I am doing good work, possibly improving with practice.

If you are distressed by postings, disturbed by attitudes, find yourself wishing the ads did not ruin your surfing, perhaps you should consider taking some time off from Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter as well. I am not saying everything about them is terrible, but I think there is evidence that taking a close look at our consumption is prudent. I am making the break for now.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Photoshop

Photoshop ate my poem, I had this whole beautiful idea, at least I thought so. I clicked on layers, my text disappeared. No matter what I do I cannot resurrect my poem from wherever the computer ate it.

Since I never remember what I write beyond writing it down, I have nothing left of it. The joys of writing being a magical conjuring.

Maybe it is for the best. I have written a lot lately. Most of it is contained in my journal.

I hope each of you has better fortune with your pursuits. I am going to lose myself for a while in The Rolling Stones.

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan