Journal Snippet

Do you struggle with this? I admit I do. Anything I post that suggests an action or reads like an injunction is aimed at the first person, myself, before anyone else, like you.

Among the changes I have lately endured, I became separated from most of my possessions. I am learning to hold on lightly.

I struggle with trust, but I believe God abides with me. I know the Holy Spirit can go before us and prepare our paths. I believe there has been leading in the house being available to Alex almost immediately, some guys in a truck letting us know the tow rig for the Explorer came loose and was held only by a chain on our way from the hotel to this house, my finding a church home for us on the third try, and now having someone who helps me with things I cannot handle.

I am excited that I am not left strictly to my own devices because I can mess things up badly. God is in control, I thank Him for it.

I have begun reading a book titled Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem. I did not realize it was a textbook until Amazon alerted me. I mentioned it to Alex today, and he commented that it sounded like something he might study at ACU. I guess it will be a long read because I want to look up the verses it gives when expressing a Biblical truth.

I am also reading Shadows of Winter by Lindsay Buroker, which is a sci-fi novel. It is a much easier read; well-written, and fast-paced. I also have some reads I neglected to finish that I need to finish up.

I wonder if you are ever set upon by AI and have to ignore it to retain your voice. It makes it such that I rather write longhand. I am also abysmally slow as a typist or texter.

I hope you have an awesome rest of your day. May God’s blessing be upon you all along your way.

If you enjoyed your visit here, please comment, follow, like, and share as you may.

Enough said. Always and Evermore…

Means

I have been meaning
To explain who I am, may be,
Is not always who
Strictly I mean as defined
By this voice, words, these two feet.

My eyes carry clues,
But even they lack evidence
Because the heart-beat
In my chest and the preserve
Of my mind go further, deep.

What you see is not
Often what you get, riches
Are hidden in doubt
Covered in terrible fear
Holding back, choking on tears.

I cannot stand here
Yet, I do, as I believe
I must. Why? Because
Someone should do what it takes
To wake the community,

Convey mentally ill
Can live without most restraints
Doing possible
Like anyone, though made harder,
Complications, divergent ways,

Creativity
Finds a flowing flood falls fast
Dipped body whole
Going within and without
Never giving up or in,

The voice louder, in
Color brighter, some wilder,
Linked like all others,
Human, as someone newborn,
Those long-lived; loved thoroughly,

The same/different,
Untamed, giving, love alive,
God placed – no mistake,
Painting history’s pages
With sharing, reach, making much.

Gratitude List

I am thankful:
1. I have been waking earlier.
2. I am enjoying my corded keyboard and mouse.
3. I have recently finished several books.
4. I created art this morning.
5. I appreciate that I have a home.

Prompt
Think about your life and the human condition and pick an instance that appeals from which to create a written or artistic work.

Life Intrudes

Haphazard Creative has always been a place to share creativity. I have not made much of my life issues here. I am going to now.

I am having a hard time dealing with things. I had a medication change at my last appointment. My doctor and I discussed escalating symptoms.

Since I lost my Mom, it has been increasingly difficult for me to believe I have a purpose. Being alone is not ideal, then going out is hard because I tend to isolate myself. I have trust issues exacerbated by paranoia.

My insecurity and self-censure grow. I am trying to continue a creative practice, but it is steadily more difficult. Dealing with Schizo-Affective Disorder has never been easy, but before, I had family support with me. I could reality check when I needed it. I believe it is why I have thus far survived.

I am trying to get a daytime schedule in the midst of all this, and it is complicating matters. I am typically a night owl.

I have several pain issues too.

Please be patient as I try to get through everything that is taxing me. I am going to attempt continuation, but tonight I feel like creativity is a bit luxurious. I need to survive; living is another level.

Elements may all
Come together to grant dreams
But it sometimes seems
That everything conspires to
Slow progress on every track.

Cry It Over

Forgive me the moments
When I become lost beneath
Feelings which cut all
Reasoning off, I retrieve
Myself with tears, singing, prayer,
The revelations
That cast out paranoia, fear;
I hope you avoid
All those “cracks in the fabric,”
But you know my thoughts wander;
Happiness, standing
In the storms of desperation,
But crying to sing
Praises, although the brokeness
Will never leave, disappear.
I learn, learn again,
That life is overpowering –
Sometimes hearts bleed out,
I apply pressure, bandages,
Hoping God will fill the lack;
I do not own my
Faith, Jesus is love for everyone,
But He maybe loves me so,
Stops my hand when I come undone,
It is not a pretty story, fighting crazy –
Is hard luck, but there must be
Some purpose, for here I remain.

I cannot describe for you all there is in what troubles me at times. Once in awhile I attempt to put Schizoaffective Disorder into words. I am not good at it. Recently times are very trying, though there is the mania too. Maybe it does not matter to others. I do not know. I just write what I am given when I am given to know.

As a prompt, you might create something about a challenge you face. It could be a food allergy, a learning impairment, a thing you must conquer, anything really. The thing with this is to open yourself to see the strength in your weakness, and possibly gain courage from sharing.

It seems to me, we all need to be real. If we want to come closer to peace we have to understand who we are. Weaknesses and faults are part of that, being transparent.

Going Down Again

For some of us, particularly females, the quest for a weight we deem acceptable is lifelong. My battles started in probably middle school, maybe before. I have been a diet soda addict as long as I can remember.

I have done every diet, gone to every gym, exercised excessively, put my self at risk with amphetamines, fasted. I have rarely liked my body and regularly hated myself.

For me, it was never so much the models and movie stars; it was the derision from my peers, both male and female. When a man I adored said he hated to take me out to restaurants with him because it was embarrassing to see me gorge myself, it nearly destroyed me.

Since 1997 I have been medicated continuously with drugs that cause weight gain and/or hinder weight loss. At worst, I was over 200 pounds.

I longed to take control, but nothing seemed doable. In December 2013, Samsung released the first version of its smartwatch, the Gear. I tend to be if I can, an early adopter. I had read the hype, and on the day the Gear hit the stores, I got one. It had a pedometer but worked from the wrist. I downloaded the MyFitnessPal app onto my S3 and paired with the Gear; I determined to change my life.

I did. At the end of 2014, I was 140 pounds and a slim size 6. At the lowest, I reached 135 pounds.

I did well until I had a devastating series of losses. By 2019, my weight was slipping up. I hated myself again. Depression, suicidal ideation, medication changes, and the fact that Under Armour bought MyFitnessPal and added pop-ups for which my reaction was to ditch the app, worked against me.

In 2020, with the pandemic, minimal contact with human beings beyond the screen, I reached 173 pounds. That was too much. So, I told someone I was bingeing, and the reply was, “That’s not you!” Somehow those three words gave me the impetus to grasp control and wrench myself back from the edge.

A few weeks have passed. I am down to 160 pounds. At this point – last time, I enlisted the help of Body Change coach John Cena. I have no such option now. So it is me against the urge to eat frequently.

I shall win. My appetite is always ravenous because of my prescriptions, but I have to do this, so there you are.

It is a miracle I am alive, and I believe that God shall not abandon me on this journey. I pray, and I do not bring home the things that I cannot resist.

If you think it is easy, don’t. It is not, and never has been.